Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
