I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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