I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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