My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
