happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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