I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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