The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
