i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
