U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
