I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize