The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize