Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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