I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
