Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
