I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize