Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
