Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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