I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I could make wine with my vomit
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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