i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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