Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize