He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
