I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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