i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
