i think my tv is drunk
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
