Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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