I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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