Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
