Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
