peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Randomize
