also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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