I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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