I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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