it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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