Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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