So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
