i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
