he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
