Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
