He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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