I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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