Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
lets start a swedish sibling band together
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
