Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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