I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
