It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
