Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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