it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
