How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Im part way to drunk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
