I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
