If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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