i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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