Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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