i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Drake has all the answers
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
