Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
