My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
