I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
